Yeah, like that is going to work!

So, the picture says it all.  After visiting with my doctor last week, I have been instructed to cut almost all carbohydrates out of my diet.  She wants me focusing on lean meats and veggies.  Of course this is a great way to eat, if I weren't so darn addicted to bread and potatoes.  I've talked to friends and family, had wonderful advice, and it just comes down to will power.  Something I don't have an over abundance of apparently.  Otherwise I wouldn't be in this state.

Over this past week, I've wondered and pondered on my will power and those things that take me from being firmly on the path of whatever I have a desire to do, whether it is to loose pounds, write a novel, paint my living room or just clear out the dishwasher once a day.  It is so simple to just tell myself to "do it", but it doesn't always happen.  The soft couch gets in the way of heading out to the gym, the computer brings distractions, always in the way of my writing, and complacency for the status quo.  What will it take to make me change myself and go in the direction I need to move?

Here is the catalyst I've looked for in my quest to loose weight, my doctor telling me to do this.  All of sudden, I'm not longer complacent and change must be endured for me to be comfortable again.  Being a creature of habit, and not a lover of huge change, this in itself is a difficulty.  I'm not great at making these types of changes that cause discomfort and pain.  Let's be honest.  It's hard work, and I'm all for the simple say of doing things.  Isn't there just a pill I can take or magic wand in the back closet? No?  Crap.

So, carbs.  They are my comfort foods.  Those that I turn to when I'm moody, sad, happy, and just need a little pick me up.  According to the doctor, they are doing more harm than good when it comes to my body.  So for a moment of peace and enjoyment, the lasting effects on my thighs and heart aren't worth it.  It is a change that I'm not sure about quite yet.  I'm leaving a zone of extreme comfort.  I cook with carbs, I eat carbs, and enjoy it emensely.  I was taught the importance of the food pyramid where carbs played a large role.  I have to change my entire outlook on eating and living.

Of course, I can also relate this to my writing, or lack there of.  I've spent months talking about writing, dreaming about writing, writing about writing, but haven't felt the change I desire when it comes to the actual act of writing.  What am I scared of.  I use time as my deterrent, but if I really wanted to make the change to create something I dream of, I would just do it, right?  Again, self-discipline and my lack there of.  I get sucked into everything else, all the while my mind whirling with dialogue that doesn't make it to paper, or scenes that are forgotten like last night's dream, fading into wisps of unconsciousness.

The only thoughts I can come up with are: one moment at a time.  While I wean myself off chocolate cake, and homemade bread, and learn to love vegetables that weren't always my favorite, I will count each moment a victory.  Now if I could only do the same with the paint in my living room.

Thanks to Google for the image.

Patience, My Lacking Virtue

So, I thought I would do a quick post to update on my mom.  Her surgery is almost four weeks out and she is still struggling quite a bit.  She went to the doctor today and they did all sorts of tests, and we hope they will have some answers soon.  She was doing remarkably well as she left the hospital, but she has progressively trodden the path to ill health again.  They think she may have an infection, so they are testing her for that.  The good news is, at least for now, no pace-maker.

I have to give an enormous shout out to all the health professionals that took care of her while she was in ICU and the recovery unit.  After a week in ICU, she was fed up with the whole hospital stay, but there were those who made it more tolerable.  She did have one or two caregivers that had much to be desired, (i.e. not letting her get out of bed).  Luckily for us, the angels far outshone.  One who tenderly gave my mom a sponge bath, washed her hair and made her more comfortable in her less than luxurious bed.  Others communicated with us about the smallest detail and really made it a positive experience.

Because of all the time spent walking the hospital halls, we spent a few meals at the cafeteria.  The food was WONDERFUL! They had the grill going 24/7, and even when we were there far into the night, there was always someone to ring up a piece of fruit, water bottle, or if times were really rough, a hamburger and fries.

During these past few weeks, I've had a myriad of emotions.  It's been hard to talk to my mom because she isn't upbeat and happy.  She doesn't feel well, and when she doesn't, she gets a little ornery.  I've taken most of it in stride, with a grain of salt, but it has been hard to sit by, and not be able to do anything for her.  Unfortunately, there isn't much I can do, but call, stop by, and let her know how much I love her.

We are hoping and praying that all will soon be well, and she will regain her former strength and personality.  She lamented to me today that she feels guilty for not rejoicing about not needing a pacemaker.  She just wants to feel better, and I can understand that more than I can say.  I'm sure we both would give anything for her to be able to walk a mile, play with the kids, make a card, garden, and all the other things she loves to do.  It will come in time, we just need to learn patience.

Patience is one of my most lacking traits.  I want things, and I want them now.  As a child I would have to try and "trick" myself into waiting for an activity that held my excitement.  "It will come when it comes" was a mantra my 8 -year old self would say.  One would think after so many years, that type of thinking would have caught on.  Nope.  If anything, I'm more impatient than I ever was.  I get frustrated that I'm not writing as fast or as much as I would like.  I look at al those around my and compare.  I must get it from my mom, because right now she sure isn't feeling like being patient.

Oh the joys of trials in our lives.  Really, my trials, and those of my mom are so insignificant when we think of what the Savior did for us.  The pains and anguish He suffered.  My trials are so small in comparison.  Perhaps with the eternal, and spiritual perspective, both mom and I can learn to be a bit more patient in this earthly existence and learn a little of what this experience holds for us.

Feeling the Funk

Sometimes I remind myself I have the most wonderful husband on earth.  Don't ask me why, but I get a little clouded by life, as I'm sure many of us do.  Last night as we were lying in bed, waiting for the sweet bliss of slumber, he asked me what he could do for me.  Now, this is a question he asks multiple times a day, because he sees my funk and wants to help me.  I thought about it, and really pondered the question.  There really isn't anything he can do for me.  It is all up to me, but luckily, I have him along for the journey.

I saw a sign on the side of the road once, an ad for depression awareness.  It said, "You don't tell someone with diabetes to snap out of it."  I can't tell you the number of times over my life I've heard this particular analogy, and sorry in advance to anyone it may offend, I hate it!  Don't ask me why, but I do.  It seems to equate my moodiness to a serious health condition.  I've known people with diabetes, and it is a daily struggle to keep their bodies in sync.  For some reason, I never saw depression as something similar.  It has taken me years to get into a state of mind to accept that there may be some similarities, even if it isn't the impression the sign meant to evoke.

Let's be honest....we all deal with the blues, or a bout of depression once in a while.  Some of us, me included, struggle on a daily basis with demons that others can't comprehend.  I hit a breaking point a couple of years ago, scaring myself, my family, and most of all, my husband.  I think for the first time in my life, I realized that what I was dealing with wasn't normal, and it was something that I needed help to "snap out of".  I had my own journey of discovery, and many key players both medically, emotionally, helped me along the way.  Here are some of my observations, though I don't credit to following my own advice very often:

1. You can prevent problems with your diabetes and depression with diet and exercise.  It seems to be the standard answer these days, and I struggle with motivation to get up and go to the gym along with just about the entire human population, but I have to admit my days are better when I have taken the time to work on my body and mind.  Of course, this realization isn't so clear at 5:30 am when my alarm goes off.  If I eat better, I feel better.  That said, I still don't eat lunch on a busy day and then, I'm out of synch with life.

2. It's embarrassing to feel as though I'm drowning.  My normal isn't your normal, and it certainly isn't the normal for my neighbor.  The fact is that there is a stigma attached to depression, and to some extent diabetes.  I feel as though I have to hide all my emotions behind my front door and not ever let them out into the world.  I have to keep up a brave front in order to disguise my weakness.  Truth is, every time I've needed help, it's been there when I've been either brave enough to ask for it, or too far gone to see that my feelings are leaking into everyday life.  What makes us so scared to ask for help?  I know that I'm ready to be there for someone at the drop of a hat if they are emotionally or physically in need.  Goodness, I spent a week at the hospital with my Mom, to offer what little emotional support I could.  What makes me think she wouldn't do the same for me were the situation reversed?

3. Live a grateful life.  I always feel better when I have a spirit of gratitude about me.  Truth is, when the sky is dark, it is hard to be grateful for the sun.  I'm never good at keeping a gratitude journal, and if I were, perhaps looking back on it during tough times, I would be keener at realizing what I have to be grateful for.  Right now, the thing that makes me realize how much I have to be thankful for is when I listen to my children pray.  That Nigel is thankful for his plastic army men pulls me back to home and I know that there is always something to be grateful for.

I have a plethora of other observations about myself.  It's taken a long time to see them.  Much like the time in college where a friend observed I always ordered lemonade to drink, and I suddenly realized that it was my favorite drink at the time,  it took someone to point out to me that my blues weren't normal, and that was okay.

Heart Health and Me

It's been quite a while since I last posted, and to be honest, I haven't missed it.  My life has been a deluge of sorts, with heart health issues.  Luckily, there are doctors and nurses with amazing healing skills for those in my family who have been struck by different heart issues.

First off, on May 11, 2010, my father-in-law went in for bypass surgery, and ended up with a quadruple bypass.  We consider this an amazing miracle, because he could have had a massive heart attack at anytime.  He followed promptings to see his doctor, and now he is on the road to better heart health.

As we are all trying to do better, this is a quick layout I did of our after dinner walk, a healthy tradition we will all endeavor to adopt.  Grandpa Clawson is out in his bathrobe, and his hat of course, but he is slowly making his recovery.  While he made it just a couple of houses down before turning back home, the rest of us took a longer stroll and had a delightful time.  Of course, the kiddos and their crazy energy took off and ran most of the way.

While Dan's dad has been recovering and relapsing, and recovering again, we have had more drama in our life.  My dad called last week to inform me that my mother was in the hospital with chest pain.  After taking a couple of days of tests, we found out that two of her heart valves are damaged and open heart surgery was her only option.  First it was thought she would be able to wait until the end of June for repair, but truth be told, it was worse than anyone thought.  Today I'm blogging from the waiting room while my mother is in surgery at this moment.  They hope to repair the valves, but if not, they will be replaced.  Either scenario would be acceptable, as long as she begins to heal, we will be happy.  I'm thrilled that both my brothers are here with me as we keep my dad company.  All together.  It made my mom cry, and all of us became misty eyed as we realized the enormity of the situation.  It has been wonderful to be together during this difficult time.

While we tried to keep the mood light, and I did need a few pictures to document the process, because one never knows when they will be valuable, it was a tense time.  We joked and laughed, reminisced and loved.  I don't know if Mom will remember any of it when it is all said and done, but it was nice.

The sun is out today, so I know that things will turn out fine.  We have a fantastic doctor, great nurses, and a great hospital.  More things to come!!

Filled the Bucket of Writerly Ways

A quick little post, to let you know that I've not completely disappeared, but am immersed in a variety of things that are making my dream a little bit more of a reality, although it could still be years away.  I spent last weekend, filling my bucket at my first writer's conference, LDS Storymakers.  It was a boon my heart and soul needed to recharge and revisit my dream.  I met wonderful people, only known virtually thus far, and rubbed elbows with those who are talented beyond belief!  If I only have a small fraction of their talent, I will be immensely blessed.

My priorities have shifted and I shall not be as present, commenting and following blogs.  I have a story to write, and dang it, it won't get done if I don't sit my hind end in the chair and write it.

Hugs and love!

I'm Baaaaack!!!

A few weeks ago, Daniel asked me why I hadn't updated my blog in so long.  Apparently, he reads it!  I said at the time, I didn't have anything to write about, which was only partly true.  I was in a writing slump, and didn't realize that I needed to write to get out of it.  Suffice it to say, I am now feeling my writing mojo once again, and I think I may need to credit it to this fantastic little device Daniel bought for me.

May I introduce my new digi-toy?  A NOOK!  Yes, it is an e-reader, and I know there are many, many of you out there that are tactile readers, enjoying the feel and smell of the books in hand.  I do too. This is just an enhancement to my reading experience. And best of all.....You can check out books from the library on it!!!!!  If your library subscribes to Overdrive, you can check out e-books, just like a physical book.  It is tremendously addictive, and for anyone who knows how much I love to read, this is heaven.

I've spent that past month, re-reading favorites (Hello, all of Austen's books can be downloaded for FREE from a variety of sites), reading some brain candy, reading new authors, and just plain enjoying the wonder of my new toy.  In retrospect, I think I may have needed to spend that time, not thinking about my own ideas, but immersing myself in the worlds my imagination could create from the words of others!

Yesterday, I opened my mailbox to find my sweet Nook cover from JAVOedge.  I LOVE it!  So cute and keeps my new toy nice and secure.  How I love to accessorize my digital necessities.  I'm just waiting for Daniel to put his foot down when it comes to all these "toys" of mine.  So far, he enjoys watching me, or at least gets a good laugh at my expense.

In a couple of weeks, I am heading to Provo for the LDS Storymakers conference.  With the writing slump I've been in, perhaps this will be the push I need to move in the write (hehehe) direction.  Ok, that was a terrible pun, but I couldn't resist.  I'm so excited to go and rub elbows with some great people in the industry.  I've followed blogs from some of these amazing people, and have delved into their writing.

Today, I will leave it at this.  No need to go overboard and document my month long hiatus. That would be brutal.  Happy Spring!

03-03-03

Seven years ago, at this very moment, I was giving birth to my little guy.  Daniel tried to talk me into holding out for a 3:00 pm birth to go along with my 03-03-03 motif.  I was not amused.  Of course, like he's come to show, Nemmett's birth was an indication of how he was going to be.  It started out, us starting labor via the pit-drip, like I have always had to do, forcing the kid along.  Of course, once it started, he took over and decided to come at his own, quick pace.  Just like getting him up in the morning...it is pulling teeth, until he decides he is ready, and bam, he is ready to go.

This morning while I was in the living room, I heard Daniel retell the story of our son's birth.  I had to smile when he told Nigel that Mommy was really unsure of having a boy, but it only took one look for me to fall in love.

I am amazed at how fast the time has flown.  Many people have told me to treasure these years because they fly away too fast.  I am wont to agree.  Wasn't it yesterday that he was smiling at me with his big toothless grin, milk dripping down his chin while I nursed him?  I think that his milestones come and go at a faster clip than those of his older sister.  Partly because I've experienced them before, partly because I dread the fact I won't experience them again.

I've enjoyed the journey so far, and can't wait to see what is next with this little man.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!