Pensive

I am a bit pensive and reticent today. I am sitting in my office, looking at the blue sky and barren branches of the tree out my window and can't help but wonder about it all. The well is deep and unsubstantial, but nevertheless, there I go. I try not to dwell on the unknown and darker side of things because it is a path that while tempting can trap the very soul of those that dare walk down its twisiting lanes. I can't resist today...perhaps I am getting sick, or run down and the lure of the wallowing can't be fought off.

This time of year should be one of happiness and joy, and it truly is my favorite time of the year. For some reason, today I just can't grasp the feeble strains of the Christmas Spirit. Have I don't any service? That usually helps, but I can't even get up the energy to look for something to do. I don't look forward to Christmas shopping. Hmm, I need to re-evaluate and re-establish some boundaries for the next couple of weeks. It won't do to feel maudlin when there are two children that are wrapped up in the excitement of the season.

I had the news on this morning as I was getting ready for work. I don't usually watch the news, due to the negative and depressing nature of all that is going on around us. I don't need constant reminders of the nature of the economy or political climate. I only need to look at my own bank statement for me to be aware of that. Today the stories that stuck out most in my mind were those of the ever increasing need of charitable donations. Usually a very uplifting and beneficial topic, it was forelorn and depressing today. The laments of not enough donations and more need almost seemed to whine from the box. How am I supposed to feel that my small donation will even make a difference? I can't stretch what little I have to cover something for all. I know that I have to make a choice of what to do, but there are so many deserving and needful entities out there. I just hate the thought that I can't do more. Perhaps this is why I am feeling a little down today. I almost feel torn between getting something for my children and helping those in need. My children aren't getting an X-Box, so why should I feel like some other child should?

Perhaps I am reticent because I am nearing the milestone of entering a new year of life. Yes, my birthday is coming soon, but I'm not sure about it all. Will it even matter if the day is marked?

So, today, while listening to Christmas carols, doing my work, and looking out the window from time to time, I have had much to think about. Perhaps too much because of the path my thoughts have taken. Hopefully my children will help me pull out of it when I get home. Their excitement should be contagious.