Welcome to my digital writing journal, or mydigitalclutter. What started as a family blog almost two years ago has morphed into my writing therapy. This is where I do a lot of free writing, mostly about my life with my family and the things that catch my interest. While nowhere even close to perfect, in each post I like to see how my writing is changing with time and practice. Most posts are left unedited for this reason, so if you don't mind, take the journey with me.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
The other day, I read a blog by CK Bryant, where she talked about loosing her publisher for a novel. I felt impressed to leave a comment about an article I had read years ago in a church magazine about the answer to a prayer when a father and son had been faced with a decision about what road to take when they reached a crossroad. They chose a path that came to a dead end after just minutes of travel. When the son asked why the Lord would send them down that path, the father responded that they would not have to wonder for hours now, if they had taken the right road. I told her that she will never have to wonder if the publisher that let her talent pass by, if she should have gone with them. Now she knows it wasn't to be. There is another path for her to take.
After this comment, I have been musing about my own crossroads, the precipice of something great...or not. My husband accuses me of being a climber, and to be honest, in many ways he's right. I like to climb the ladder of success. Up to this point in my life, I have had a very narrow, worldly view of success. It meant that I was in charge, I was a leader. My employment was centered on making that next step, moving up to the next rung. Recently, I have had an epiphany of sorts and realized that my success is not really centered on the worldly definition. I have two fabulous children, a husband who supports me, and a very good life, and wouldn't you define that as success? I should, and do. But, in the back of my mind, I wonder if that climbing habit isn't gone for good. Opportunities and change seem to crop up out of thin air and I wonder if it is a tempting path, making me stray from the right road I should be on. Or is it the right road for right now, and the other way will be found at another intersection when the time is right?
I have watched the road dead-end a number of times in my life. I can see in hindsight the Lord helped me get on the correct path by first letting me experience the dead-end. The experiences are light and fun, deep and spiritual. Some were heart wrenching, soul shredding, but I left the path stronger and wiser. Am I about to face another faith inspiring journey? It certainly feels that way.
Now back to my mixed metaphors. I've talked about the crossroads in my life, but here is the precipice. I feel as though I am standing, on my tip toes, right against the edge of that rock in the picture. The air is thin, and I'm struggling to fill my lungs, the adrenaline racing through my veins. I don't know where I will land when I jump, and I certainly don't see how far it is to my landing spot. My dream has been in the forefront of my mind for a very long time. I juggle it with the innate, almost primal desire to be on top. It fights almost relentlessly for control, the chance to break free and create, but my alpha ego has a firm grip.
I wish I knew how to balance my life. It seems like I rush headfirst into many a project, forgetting my perfectionist, idealistic personality. My children are left to fend for themselves, although they do make a mean peanut butter sandwich, and the crumbs of bread are ground into the carpet from lack of domestic engineering on my part. My husband throws his own shirts into the wash and all are left to the peripheral of my vision. I worry that which ever way I jump, which road I end up on, I won't be able to balance the most important, precious parts of my life. Is this just another road, or is part of the right road I need to travel.
So, here I stand. At the precipice of something amazing. What it may be, I don't know. All I know is that the Lord will not allow me to continue down a path that isn't right. It will dead-end, and I can onward without doubt reigning in my mind. As long as I have the three most important people with me, I will be on a journey that will rival anything else I've ever done!
*Thanks to Google for the image*