Welcome to my digital writing journal, or mydigitalclutter. What started as a family blog almost two years ago has morphed into my writing therapy. This is where I do a lot of free writing, mostly about my life with my family and the things that catch my interest. While nowhere even close to perfect, in each post I like to see how my writing is changing with time and practice. Most posts are left unedited for this reason, so if you don't mind, take the journey with me.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Just Plow Through

The weather has been pretty nice the past few days with the sun shining and skies clear.  That is, until this morning.  After getting to work, it dumped about three to four inches.  I've been watching the grounds crew try to keep up with onslaught, plowing the sidewalks again and again.  I think the walk that passes my by my office window had plows at least seven times this morning.  They are extra diligent today, and I started to think about plowing through.

I live in perpetual state of guilt and stress.  It may be my type-a personality, or genetics.  It could be environmental, or self-inflicted.  Truth be told, it is probably a combination of each of those factors.  Such as my lot in life is, I worry about every little thing, and in the end, make myself guilty and sick over things outside my control.

Case in point: I've wanted to sit down and write the story that keeps running through my head.  I've brainstormed, I've simmered, I've jotted down notes, but nothing seems to take shape.  So, I am mad at myself, because it is a dream, a desire, and a wish.  I have notebooks with scribbles, a blog of entries, but when it comes down to it, nothing substantial.  So, starts the guilt.  I must not want it enough.  If I did, I would just write and get it done.  Then, the other guilt starts.  So, how do I find time, working full time?  Being a lackluster mom on most days, how do I carve some writing time?  After a long day, who wants to write?  I can barely keep my eyes open by 9:30 pm, so over and over the excuses and guilt, and sickness takes over.

Yesterday seemed to be a tipping point for me.  I've been trudging along, trying to keep it together for a lot of those who depend on me.  I knew if I fell apart, I would feel guilty about it later, for causing stress to those I love.  I was feeling alone, unappreciated, and unloved.  Not true in any way shape or form, but when one is in a funk, feelings and reality don't line up very well.  Plowing through was the furthest thing from my mind.

Watching the plows make the various passes across the sidewalks, it was like a light went off in my head.  Why aren't I plowing through, time after time, no matter how much snow accumulates?  It made me feel like a dunce that I need something to hit me over the head to get me to realize that I can do it if I just plow through.

I wrote today.  I got almost 1000 words down.  I'm sure it is crap, but it's a start.  If I just plow through, I will make some progress.  If I just plow through, I can get back to the happy person I should be everyday.  If I just plow through, I may see the cement!

Thanks so Google Images for the photo!

2 Lovely Scribbles to Me:

Tonee said...

You're an inspiration Teri! I have that TYPE A personality too, so I can really relate. As Carey would say, you are doing something that most of the population is not, REALIZING they are down/stressed and then TRYING to do something about it. (the doing something about it, is the part that a lot of people don't follow through with.)

Terresa said...

Congrats on 1000 words!! I was just going to email you & ask if you're planning on attending LDStorymakers this year. I'm still writing poetry, in that zone and it works for me right now (read: I can still mostly stay sane AND write poetry OR it's working for me right now, if it's not broken, why fix it?). :)

Always enjoy your blog updates, to peek into your world, see what you're up to.

PS: I fall apart regularly, if not more often than that.

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