Welcome to my digital writing journal, or mydigitalclutter. What started as a family blog almost two years ago has morphed into my writing therapy. This is where I do a lot of free writing, mostly about my life with my family and the things that catch my interest. While nowhere even close to perfect, in each post I like to see how my writing is changing with time and practice. Most posts are left unedited for this reason, so if you don't mind, take the journey with me.
Showing posts with label Writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Writing. Show all posts

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Just Plow Through

The weather has been pretty nice the past few days with the sun shining and skies clear.  That is, until this morning.  After getting to work, it dumped about three to four inches.  I've been watching the grounds crew try to keep up with onslaught, plowing the sidewalks again and again.  I think the walk that passes my by my office window had plows at least seven times this morning.  They are extra diligent today, and I started to think about plowing through.

I live in perpetual state of guilt and stress.  It may be my type-a personality, or genetics.  It could be environmental, or self-inflicted.  Truth be told, it is probably a combination of each of those factors.  Such as my lot in life is, I worry about every little thing, and in the end, make myself guilty and sick over things outside my control.

Case in point: I've wanted to sit down and write the story that keeps running through my head.  I've brainstormed, I've simmered, I've jotted down notes, but nothing seems to take shape.  So, I am mad at myself, because it is a dream, a desire, and a wish.  I have notebooks with scribbles, a blog of entries, but when it comes down to it, nothing substantial.  So, starts the guilt.  I must not want it enough.  If I did, I would just write and get it done.  Then, the other guilt starts.  So, how do I find time, working full time?  Being a lackluster mom on most days, how do I carve some writing time?  After a long day, who wants to write?  I can barely keep my eyes open by 9:30 pm, so over and over the excuses and guilt, and sickness takes over.

Yesterday seemed to be a tipping point for me.  I've been trudging along, trying to keep it together for a lot of those who depend on me.  I knew if I fell apart, I would feel guilty about it later, for causing stress to those I love.  I was feeling alone, unappreciated, and unloved.  Not true in any way shape or form, but when one is in a funk, feelings and reality don't line up very well.  Plowing through was the furthest thing from my mind.

Watching the plows make the various passes across the sidewalks, it was like a light went off in my head.  Why aren't I plowing through, time after time, no matter how much snow accumulates?  It made me feel like a dunce that I need something to hit me over the head to get me to realize that I can do it if I just plow through.

I wrote today.  I got almost 1000 words down.  I'm sure it is crap, but it's a start.  If I just plow through, I will make some progress.  If I just plow through, I can get back to the happy person I should be everyday.  If I just plow through, I may see the cement!

Thanks so Google Images for the photo!

Monday, September 20, 2010

Finding the Right Size

Last year I bought a very cute pair of running/walking shoes so I could be better shod in my attempts at physical fitness.  The gray and pink complimented each other and I felt like I was ready for my successful endeavors.  Sad to say, my good intentions did not translate into actual walking and running.  You see, every time I wore the darn shoes, my right foot would go numb.  I tried loosening the laces, but it still happened every single time.

This past Wednesday was the final straw.  Along with the youth group in my church, we walked/ran a 5K for one of our weeknight activities.  The weather was superb.  It was nice and cool, the sun just starting its decent, illuminating the mountains in golden hues.  Everyone was laughing, having a superb time.  I on the other hand, was at the tail end of the pack, hobbling along, in my shoes, with a numb right foot.  I finally gave up at mile 1.5, and headed back to the church to finish up the day.  It was rather upsetting that so many of the ‘kids’ were able to leave me in the dust, even my very own children with shorter legs than I have.

On Saturday, Dan and I went to a running store and I was fit with new shoes.  I had to walk barefoot, so the salesperson could observe my natural gait, and then shoe after shoe was tried, until I have a pair that met my needs.  Apparently, I need a lot of support.  The thing that really shocked me from my experience was the fact I had been wearing the wrong size of running shoes all my life, really, 1 ½ sizes too small.  No wonder my right foot was going numb.

According to the shoe expert, our feet swell and spread when we walk and run.  That really shouldn’t surprise me.  As my feet were expanding whilst on the treadmill, the nerves in my feet didn’t have anywhere to expand, hence the numb feeling.  After being fitted with the appropriate shoe, it was like walking on air.
I went to the gym this morning and walked a quick two miles on the treadmill.  What a difference my equipment made!  It was a drastic difference than my workouts in the past.  It was actually enjoyable as I felt the stability of good support, and it made the ‘chore’ all that more bearable.

Of course I have to draw some sort of analogy to my writing!  I have an amazing husband who supports a wild dream I have to write.  I have people who constantly check in on my progress, and don’t seem to mind when I tell them I am no where closer to a completed story than I was the last time they asked.  I have a lot of support.  Much like my new shoes, I am one who needs a lot of support here.

Now for a stretch, but I am going to try to get it to come together, I hope.  For a long time, I’ve been wearing shoes that were too small for my feet.  Am I doing the same thing to myself in writing?  Is the story I want to tell something that is making me numb because it isn’t coming together the way I’d like?  Or is it that I need to find the right ‘fit’ of my characters in order for writing to be an enjoyable experience?  I’m not sure yet, but I’ll let you know when I find out.  Of course, if my cute husband reads this, I can say I just need better equipment, you know, a new computer….Um, not sure he’d buy that one. :)

Thanks to Google for the image of the Saucony shoe!

Monday, August 9, 2010

Country Roots and Urban Dreams

Below you will find my essay, entered into Segullah's essay contest last December.  While I haven't pulled it out to work on since my rejection letter (something I'm still quite proud of by the way), I can see where improvements should have been made.  I left it as is though, because in just a few short weeks, we will begin our pilgrimage again and I wanted to share.  It seemed like the perfect time to post my thoughts about my urban dreams that never seem to quite mesh with those country roots.



About an hour north of my own idyllic neighborhood lies a town time has forgotten. Main street still sports the same facades as were popular in 1950, the street signs faded to a burnished patina of long forgotten maintenance. Here, the clerk at the grocery store knows everyone's name, as well as their parents, siblings and any offspring they may have. She chats about local gossip while ringing up the food and sundries; she is the hub of all things social there. Every year, at the end of August, my small family makes the pilgrimage to our own Mecca, to visit this town and it's attractions for the night. Without fail, we all flock to the place where we all began, cousins and grandparents, sisters and brothers.

Cousins at the County Fair
My children have become accustomed to our yearly tradition, retracing small town roots. As we round a bend in the road, and the cow smell seeps it's way into the air vents of our vehicle, they chorus complaints of the stench, all the while giggling with anticipation, for our destination is just a few miles away. Once there, cousins will converge upon each other and the intricately choreographed dance of the County Fair will begin.

We're not considered locals...although perhaps we could claim it by a grandfather clause, but we act as if we are, wether from expectation or experience. Pulling into the fairgrounds, the dust thick in the air, wafting around us, we find a spot to make a quick exit, knowing how difficult the end of the night will be. Stepping from the car, the dust still lingering in the air, I take a deep breath, and know I have come to a place where my roots began.

My mother grew up in this small town. Her own father, one of the local school teachers in a time where children were bussed from small farming communities to town for school. She and her sisters couldn't wait to leave what could be considered a stifling atmosphere, to see the world from a different perspective. Now, so many years later, she too returns, along with her own children and grandchildren, basking in the joy of small town roots.

Nigel touching the calves
Although early afternoon is the best time to arrive, we know we must reserve a spot as soon as possible for the rodeo. The old blankets, used every year, for this one activity are pulled from the trunks and back seats. Worn denim on the back, with polyester blocks on front, ties with bright red yarn, it is our rodeo quilt, the one to save our spot on the aluminum bleachers. The grandstand hums with activity as we spread out the blankets, adding an extra few feet, because another family member is bound to show up and need a seat. The routine has been played out by many generations now, and we follow blindly, doing the same, year after year, but it never grows old.

I didn't grow up in a small town. I was more urban than rural. I didn't thin the beets for my summer job, nor did I walk to the five and dime store as my mother did. My youth consisted of trips to the mall for school clothes, close neighbor friends with whom I spent lazy summer days. I could walk to the library, a few blocks away, and never had to milk a cow for chores. My upbringing didn't consist of 4-H meetings, yet I still feel as though I belong in this small town. It is where many of my ancestors chose to settle, farm, raise families.
The Rodeo Burger

We continue our choreography of dance across the fairway. Each step I take, puffs of dust surround my shoes, coating them a light brown. In and out of aisles, between carnival rides, holding the hand of own daughter, we make our way to the spot I yearn for throughout the year. Fresh hamburgers, garden tomatoes, onions, pickles, the works. A rodeo burger. Wrapped in white paper, I handle the hamburgers with reverence as we walk to the galvanized steel tables where fresh-from-the-field tomatoes are sliced thick and juicy. A bucket of pickles and fresh onions, laid out in old Tupperware, hold spoons and forks for anyone to use. The sneeze guard is splattered with mustard and ketchup, and flies spin around our heads. It is heaven, as we observe the standard rituals of those that came before me.

I remember being a small child and loading my own hamburger with pickles, my grandfather watching me. Now my father watches my own children, helping them as their arms aren't quite long enough to reach their condiments. The cycle of roots is perpetuated again, as I will do the same in years to come.

Weston and his ribbon
The tempo increases as we breeze through the exhibit halls. Vendors, tout their wares, some homemade; the local funeral parlor offering a drawing for a free casket, the fire department and it's taffy. We make our way with the hordes of others, to get a glimpse of a blue ribbon painting, the rows and rows of bottled fruit and preserves, each with a paper placard noting the flavor, town, and name of the entrant. Best in show, a huge white ribbon sits pinned to a crocheted afghan, multicolored and perfect in every way. 4-H displays are scrutinized and fingered, cousins show off ribbons. I breath a sigh of contentment and feel at home here, wishing I had something to enter, a ribbon of my own. Then I remind myself of my own dreams, and realize a ribbon is a small price to pay for seeing both worlds.

Poking the goat
My own little ones lament their own lack of ribbons on pigs, bunnies, and little lambs. I try to explain that our dreams are different than what life here would bring us. It does little to console them, but they scamper off to poke the goat with straw and listen to the clucking sounds of the chickens. I watch from a short distance and grow nostalgic, my children are growing up away from the innocence of this place.

As evening approaches, and all the stalls have been visited, each child is given a ticket or two for the coveted carnival ride. Around and around on the merry-go-round, the joints creaking as it makes the turns. For some reason it is the best in the world, with it's chipped paint and tacky horses. Each child races along on their very own steed, swearing to beat the others to the finish line.

We hear the announcer in the distance, starting to warm up for the rodeo. Sticky hands, rosy cheeks, cotton candy rimmed mouths walk towards the voice, kicking up dust behind. I hold the hand of my husband, who fell into this tradition by nature of marriage, just like my own father did, and we smile, knowing we are making memories to last a lifetime.

The calves are roped, wrestled. The little ones have ridden their way to fame and fortune on the back of a wooly sheep. We have screamed until we have no voice as we watched the cowboy, with only a gloved hand, keep himself atop of a bucking bull. Noses are cold, from the cool summer night air, as we make our way, sleeping children on our shoulders, to our car. Making our getaway until next summer, we wait in the long line of cars, leaving behind the dusty fields. The taillights seem to leave a trail, away from my country roots, toward my urban dreams.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Yeah, like that is going to work!

So, the picture says it all.  After visiting with my doctor last week, I have been instructed to cut almost all carbohydrates out of my diet.  She wants me focusing on lean meats and veggies.  Of course this is a great way to eat, if I weren't so darn addicted to bread and potatoes.  I've talked to friends and family, had wonderful advice, and it just comes down to will power.  Something I don't have an over abundance of apparently.  Otherwise I wouldn't be in this state.

Over this past week, I've wondered and pondered on my will power and those things that take me from being firmly on the path of whatever I have a desire to do, whether it is to loose pounds, write a novel, paint my living room or just clear out the dishwasher once a day.  It is so simple to just tell myself to "do it", but it doesn't always happen.  The soft couch gets in the way of heading out to the gym, the computer brings distractions, always in the way of my writing, and complacency for the status quo.  What will it take to make me change myself and go in the direction I need to move?

Here is the catalyst I've looked for in my quest to loose weight, my doctor telling me to do this.  All of sudden, I'm not longer complacent and change must be endured for me to be comfortable again.  Being a creature of habit, and not a lover of huge change, this in itself is a difficulty.  I'm not great at making these types of changes that cause discomfort and pain.  Let's be honest.  It's hard work, and I'm all for the simple say of doing things.  Isn't there just a pill I can take or magic wand in the back closet? No?  Crap.

So, carbs.  They are my comfort foods.  Those that I turn to when I'm moody, sad, happy, and just need a little pick me up.  According to the doctor, they are doing more harm than good when it comes to my body.  So for a moment of peace and enjoyment, the lasting effects on my thighs and heart aren't worth it.  It is a change that I'm not sure about quite yet.  I'm leaving a zone of extreme comfort.  I cook with carbs, I eat carbs, and enjoy it emensely.  I was taught the importance of the food pyramid where carbs played a large role.  I have to change my entire outlook on eating and living.

Of course, I can also relate this to my writing, or lack there of.  I've spent months talking about writing, dreaming about writing, writing about writing, but haven't felt the change I desire when it comes to the actual act of writing.  What am I scared of.  I use time as my deterrent, but if I really wanted to make the change to create something I dream of, I would just do it, right?  Again, self-discipline and my lack there of.  I get sucked into everything else, all the while my mind whirling with dialogue that doesn't make it to paper, or scenes that are forgotten like last night's dream, fading into wisps of unconsciousness.

The only thoughts I can come up with are: one moment at a time.  While I wean myself off chocolate cake, and homemade bread, and learn to love vegetables that weren't always my favorite, I will count each moment a victory.  Now if I could only do the same with the paint in my living room.

Thanks to Google for the image.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Filled the Bucket of Writerly Ways

A quick little post, to let you know that I've not completely disappeared, but am immersed in a variety of things that are making my dream a little bit more of a reality, although it could still be years away.  I spent last weekend, filling my bucket at my first writer's conference, LDS Storymakers.  It was a boon my heart and soul needed to recharge and revisit my dream.  I met wonderful people, only known virtually thus far, and rubbed elbows with those who are talented beyond belief!  If I only have a small fraction of their talent, I will be immensely blessed.

My priorities have shifted and I shall not be as present, commenting and following blogs.  I have a story to write, and dang it, it won't get done if I don't sit my hind end in the chair and write it.

Hugs and love!

Friday, April 9, 2010

I'm Baaaaack!!!




A few weeks ago, Daniel asked me why I hadn't updated my blog in so long.  Apparently, he reads it!  I said at the time, I didn't have anything to write about, which was only partly true.  I was in a writing slump, and didn't realize that I needed to write to get out of it.  Suffice it to say, I am now feeling my writing mojo once again, and I think I may need to credit it to this fantastic little device Daniel bought for me.

May I introduce my new digi-toy?  A NOOK!  Yes, it is an e-reader, and I know there are many, many of you out there that are tactile readers, enjoying the feel and smell of the books in hand.  I do too. This is just an enhancement to my reading experience. And best of all.....You can check out books from the library on it!!!!!  If your library subscribes to Overdrive, you can check out e-books, just like a physical book.  It is tremendously addictive, and for anyone who knows how much I love to read, this is heaven.

I've spent that past month, re-reading favorites (Hello, all of Austen's books can be downloaded for FREE from a variety of sites), reading some brain candy, reading new authors, and just plain enjoying the wonder of my new toy.  In retrospect, I think I may have needed to spend that time, not thinking about my own ideas, but immersing myself in the worlds my imagination could create from the words of others!

Yesterday, I opened my mailbox to find my sweet Nook cover from JAVOedge.  I LOVE it!  So cute and keeps my new toy nice and secure.  How I love to accessorize my digital necessities.  I'm just waiting for Daniel to put his foot down when it comes to all these "toys" of mine.  So far, he enjoys watching me, or at least gets a good laugh at my expense.

In a couple of weeks, I am heading to Provo for the LDS Storymakers conference.  With the writing slump I've been in, perhaps this will be the push I need to move in the write (hehehe) direction.  Ok, that was a terrible pun, but I couldn't resist.  I'm so excited to go and rub elbows with some great people in the industry.  I've followed blogs from some of these amazing people, and have delved into their writing.

Today, I will leave it at this.  No need to go overboard and document my month long hiatus. That would be brutal.  Happy Spring!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The Domestic Goddess and Murphy Brown

The intermittent hum and clicking of the sewing machine is the white noise that comforts me today.  As I try to guide the fabric through, my mind wanders as it is want to do, and I see scenes of action, love, and chaos, all waiting for a bit of a voice.  My mind speaks in prose, almost as if my thoughts are from the pages of a novel, describing what I see, feel, and dream.  It is during those times, that it comes to me, when I least expect it, and I revel in the fact that domesticity has given me the solace to find the words I crave.

I have never been the one who anyone could consider domestic, as in the goddess sense.  My forays in the craft world are laughable, and to be honest, my cleaning skills have much to be desired.  If one were to ask a friend from high school, I would not be the one remembered as the June Cleaver-type of woman. The television show Murphy Brown was at it's height (I know, aging myself dreadfully here) and many thought I would be the unwed, career girl, much like she was, hardened and world-wise.  How strange it feels to look back at that time and the goals and dreams I had, and how they have morphed and changed.  I don't say that I am June by any means, nor do I profess to be a Murphy, but I have come to some sort of happy medium for myself, and it awakens the deep seeded dreams awaiting fulfillment.

Today, while at home, nursing my two sick children, I sewed.  I could have been writing, but it didn't feel right.  I had too many thoughts swarming around my head, and I had too much energy to try to log them into my new writing program (StoryMill) to help me organize and prepare my thoughts.  (I'm a digi nut, so I needed something I could use on my laptop, but hadn't found anything other than a spreadsheet to fill in the gaping holes for the stories in my head.) I needed to move, and going outside wasn't an option with croupy coughs and upset tummies.  Sewing was a quiet and productive activity that would help me expend energy while my kidlets slept.

Up and down, the needle made it's way across the fabric, the clicking of the cutting mechanism, sharp, and final at the end of each row.  It was there that I heard the sound of a crow outside in the yard, and I was reminded of something I had meant to record earlier.  The whisper of the bare branches rubbing against my kitchen window created another image ready to capture, all because of the time I spent humming along.

I still don't like to be considered a domestic goddess, although I would more than appreciate the skill it takes to keep my home clutter and dust free.  I would love to have the gourmet meals prepared nightly and well dressed and behaved children to boot.  I've come to the conclusion that no one could come close to that particular exalted sphere.  I am me, and that is all that is important.  I am not June, Murphy, or any derivative thereof.  Hello, my name is Teri, and I want to be a writer.

Thanks to Google for the image!


**In other news, I did receive my very first rejection letter.  While most would think this sad and deterring, it is actually something I am quite happy with.  It shows that I submitted something!!!  I am glad that I submitted and learned from the process.  Onward and upward!**

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Submission Quandries

I have an essay, sitting on my flash drive, just waiting for something.  That something could be a blog post, or a submission, I haven't quite decided.  The anxiety of what to do with it is eating away at me, and I question the reasons of why I haven't just submitted it yet.

A friend from work introduced me to a project his sister in law is working on.  Every time we talk, he tells me I need to submit something to her.  Without fail, every conversation we have, he will state, "You need to send her something!"  He only knows the writing I do for project proposals, employee write-ups, and the various e-mails I send to him daily.  How would he know of my desire to create something worthy of publication, in a forum outside of my daily work life?

I've played with the essay, wondering if it is right for the audience this project focuses on.  I've played with it, wondering if it would just be better as a post, as the subject matter is light and airy.  I just don't know if I have the angle quite right.  So we shall see.

While it causes me grief, I don't know how I can go without writing.  Besides, if I happen to see a byline someday with my very own name, I'm sure that will make it all worthwhile.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Lessons Learned



So, I would like to pass on a tidbit of information I've learned over the past couple of weeks: Don't write a disciplinary action against an employee while one is writing an essay.  HR will not appreciate the imagery, nor will any emotional tirades be tolerated.  This I have learned from experience, and have decided I shall from herewith, refrain from disciplinary actions and concentrate on essays and eventual longer pieces of fiction.

My current trial seems to winding down and I have learned quite a bit about myself, the strength of my support system, and that the light at the end of the tunnel is appreciated more due to the journey through the darkness.

Writing has always been an outlet for me, and I've often turned to a blank page to spill my thoughts and dreams and occasionally make sense of the words that end up there.  The past couple of weeks haven't been conducive to even the venting I could have done.  It just seemed like a light was shut off inside of me, both emotionally and creatively.  Oh but what fodder I have for future villains and sub characters of a work in the future.  Yep, make me mad, and I'll write you into my novel.  A novel, yet to exist, but just you wait; you'll be immortalized forever in the written word.

I've spent too much time and energy on this, so today I wash my hands of it all.  If I get the chance to write again, I'll make sure I do so without any disciplinary actions on my desk.  HR will thank me!

*Thanks to Google for the Image*

Sunday, January 3, 2010

A New Year Has Begun

I really should update on all things familial, professional, and social.  With the new month, comes a new blog design, and a few holiday pictures.  Here is what I scrapped when I wasn't writing!

We had a fabulous Christmas spent with family, taking time to remember the most important part of the Season.  We had our traditional Christmas brunch with Grandpa and Grandma Clawson, spent time playing on the new Wii, and took time to relax.  The chaos of the season was swept away and I loved it.

I spent a great deal of time writing.  Segullah's essay contest deadline was on Dec. 31, 200, and I wanted to be able to submit something.  I had an essay on my computer that I had played with for a couple of months, intending to do some revisions and submit that.  By the 30th, I was more than done with it, trying to resist the urge to delete every word.  I didn't, it is still sitting in the corner of my hard drive, but I won't look at it for quite a while.  Luckily, I did find something to submit, and even felt like it was something to be pleased with.  While I doubt it will even place an honorable mention, I'm so glad to have a submission under my belt.

In church related news, I am now working in the Young Women's organization, and am thrilled to work with the 12 and 13 year-old girls.  I spent the morning in presidency meeting, and have a lot of excitement for the upcoming activities.  It will be a new and interesting experience.

All in all, I believe my new year will have one word as my mantra--Balance.  You see, I have desires to write more, take more pictures, cook dinner more often, fulfill my calling in church, keep a clean house, all on top of the most important things, like being a wife and mother.  I refuse to be pulled into that deep, dark, well of unbalanced life, which then leads to depression, feelings of inadequacy, and fodder for the dark wily one to mess with me.

May you all have balance in your new year...it is a new beginning for all of us!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

My Holiday Plans

It’s snowing today.  Right now, tiny droplets, frozen into crystal facets, are falling gently to the ground.  The walks are barren, an eerie silence encompassing the ground.  It seems quite appropriate for the season.

I’m feeling that anticipation and excitement that comes every year about this time, when I start to count the hours to Christmas.  I’m very glad I found my spirit, because I’m sure without it, the barren walks and silence would cause some unease.  But to me, it is calm, almost like the pause before a great storm.

The storm I am anticipating is not unwelcome; it is of my own creation.  I am not quite sure how the storm will weather my life, but it will make choices clearer and the path more evident; at least that is my hope.

When I woke up this morning, the fog was covering the world in a heavy blanket.  The streetlight made only a small globe of light before being swallowed up in the dense gray.  What I would have done, to only sit at the window and create a character to emerge from the swirling doom.  But, the real world awaited and the day had to begin.  I left those thoughts in a corner of my mind, and they became swallowed up by the others who have residence there, a concoction of real and imaginary.

I put this out there publicly, perhaps to give myself the push to carve out time for what I love.  The urge is there, like a fist pushing between my shoulder blades, a constant pressure.  It isn’t an unpleasant feeling, but something that is my constant companion.  After many false starts and stops, deleting files, (I write digitally you know), ripping pages out of notebooks, and lamenting my perfectionist attitude, I am letting it all go.  I shall sit and write.  And write.  I will let the dialog flow as it may, and know that I can improve upon it another day.

I plan to sit in my chair, snow swirling out my window.  I may have a cup of cocoa, a cookie, and instead of curling up with a good book, I shall get lost in a story of my own making.  I refuse to let the voices in my head cause damage to my mental abilities other than what they have already done.  They are aching for a voice, and I have a story to tell.

So, for my few days of respite from the real world, I shall revel in my children and the excitement of Christmas, love my husband and share his joys, spend time with family and friends.  I shall also hide in a cubby hole of my own making and visit those who are waiting not so patiently for me to give them life on paper.  Those are my holiday plans.

What are your plans this Holiday?

*Thanks to Google for the image*

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Standing at the Precipice


Pardon me, as I mix metaphors today.  I feel as though I am standing at the precipice of something, a crossroads in my life. 

The other day, I read a blog by CK Bryant, where she talked about loosing her publisher for a novel.  I felt impressed to leave a comment about an article I had read years ago in a church magazine about the answer to a prayer when a father and son had been faced with a decision about what road to take when they reached a crossroad.  They chose a path that came to a dead end after just minutes of travel.  When the son asked why the Lord would send them down that path, the father responded that they would not have to wonder for hours now, if they had taken the right road.  I told her that she will never have to wonder if the publisher that let her talent pass by, if she should have gone with them.  Now she knows it wasn't to be.  There is another path for her to take.

After this comment, I have been musing about my own crossroads, the precipice of something great...or not.  My husband accuses me of being a climber, and to be honest, in many ways he's right.  I like to climb the ladder of success.  Up to this point in my life, I have had a very narrow, worldly view of success.  It meant that I was in charge, I was a leader.  My employment was centered on making that next step, moving up to the next rung.  Recently, I have had an epiphany of sorts and realized that my success is not really centered on the worldly definition.  I have two fabulous children, a husband who supports me, and a very good life, and wouldn't you define that as success?  I should, and do. But, in the back of my mind, I wonder if that climbing habit isn't gone for good.  Opportunities and change seem to crop up out of thin air and I wonder if it is a tempting path, making me stray from the right road I should be on.  Or is it the right road for right now, and the other way will be found at another intersection when the time is right?

I have watched the road dead-end a number of times in my life.  I can see in hindsight the Lord helped me get on the correct path by first letting me experience the dead-end.  The experiences are light and fun, deep and spiritual.  Some were heart wrenching, soul shredding, but I left the path stronger and wiser.  Am I about to face another faith inspiring journey?  It certainly feels that way.

Now back to my mixed metaphors.  I've talked about the crossroads in my life, but here is the precipice.  I feel as though I am standing, on my tip toes, right against the edge of that rock in the picture.  The air is thin, and I'm struggling to fill my lungs, the adrenaline racing through my veins.  I don't know where I will land when I jump, and I certainly don't see how far it is to my landing spot.  My dream has been in the forefront of my mind for a very long time.  I juggle it with the innate, almost primal desire to be on top.  It fights almost relentlessly for control, the chance to break free and create, but my alpha ego has a firm grip.

I wish I knew how to balance my life.  It seems like I rush headfirst into many a project, forgetting my perfectionist, idealistic personality.  My children are left to fend for themselves, although they do make a mean peanut butter sandwich, and the crumbs of bread are ground into the carpet from lack of domestic engineering on my part.  My husband throws his own shirts into the wash and all are left to the peripheral of my vision.  I worry that which ever way I jump, which road I end up on, I won't be able to balance the most important, precious parts of my life. Is this just another road, or is part of the right road I need to travel.

So, here I stand.  At the precipice of something amazing.  What it may be, I don't know.  All I know is that the Lord will not allow me to continue down a path that isn't right.  It will dead-end, and I can onward without doubt reigning in my mind.  As long as I have the three most important people with me, I will be on a journey that will rival anything else I've ever done!

*Thanks to Google for the image*

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Editing


I spent a little time today working on my essay that I may submit to Segullah, and spent much more time editing it than I did when I wrote it.  This is my first pass and will do a couple of more before I feel that I am ready for someone to read it with a critical eye.  I don't know why I am so nervous.  I write unedited here, so why am I so worried about the reaction to an edited, finely polished work?

I tend to write things digitally, aka, via word processing programs on my computer.  Don't get me wrong, I love my Moleskine and fine tip pen, as many already know, but as I have looked at my essay, I get a kick out of the red hash marks and balloons that populate the pages now because of the "Track Changes" option in my program.  There are words crossed out, paragraphs added, and truth be told, almost 1,000 more words than what I started with during my lunch hour.  We will see how long that lasts, as I take a quick break to work, and do other important things.  When I revisit it again with fresh eyes, I am sure there will be more words that are cut from the body of the essay and paragraphs rearranged.

Editing is a trial, one that I've avoided for quite some time.  I'm sure that is a reason I don't edit my posts here, with the excuse that I'm 'monitoring my progress'.  I just don't enjoy getting in and mutilating the words that have poured from my fingers.  I'm not someone who thinks of her words as children, and for that reason, is loathe to remove them; I am just not akin to do it because it scares me.  I don't like to see the word count go down and know in my heart that there is something I need to do to replace it.  What if there is never anything that inspires me to fill it again?

I am writing about my children, so that doesn't help.  To me they are my world, and so I am quite biased and unable to see past the content.  But, edit I will.  I will hash, cut, and rearrange until the body that wasn't proportionate, is symmetric and beautiful, and then I will offer it with trembling hands for the perusal of others. 

*Thank you Google for the image*

Saturday, October 17, 2009

A Little Experimenting

I have been having a little too much fun with Photoshop stuff.  There are so many pre-sets and actions out there that I haven't ever been able to use!  Check out some of the stuff I've been working on:

Selective color--Something I did before, but this is tons easier!



Here is the portrait action...I went a little wild on the white teeth!



Another portrait action.

Color Pop action..not that it needed much.  The light was great today!



Here is one of my favorite...an action that leaves all of the blue hues in a denim color.  I love it!

Today we went to Lagoon, our local amusement park, for one last hurrah of the season.  The weather was perfect..not too hot, not too cold, and the sun was amazing.  Of course, everyone else had the same idea, and the park was packed!!!  Although Nigel has been lamenting all summer that he isn't tall enough to ride all the coasters, he was able to do the infamous "White Roller Coaster" because his new shoes were a bit taller in the soles and he was wearing a baseball hat.  Abbie on the other hand is our little dare devil and we waited for at least half an hour or more to ride "Wicked" which has a 90 degree drop.  Yeah...it is pretty sweet.  She LOVES it!

I've been taking a break from most any writing the past few days.  I've been indulging in crochet, Photoshop, and even picked up some flour sack dish towels.  I must be getting crafty for some reason.  I shall indulge my scribbling fancies later, although I did see the most amazing women on waiting for the bus yesterday.  I saw her twice, on opposite ends of town.  She was wearing a full length fur coat, riding public transit.  Delicious!  I can only imagine how I could weave her into a story.....But that is for another day!

Monday, October 12, 2009

Should I.....or Shouldn't I? That is the Question



So, I am debating.  That can be very dangerous, truth be told.  I missed NaNo last year, partly because I stumbled across it mid-November last year.  Yes, I live under a rock in the writing world.  I've been very hesitant about signing up, because of the huge time commitment involved.  I have a lot outlined, scenes scripted in my head, but I just don't know.  Help!  Can I still be a good mom, go to work, and do everything I want to do and still see if I can accomplish NaNoWriMo?  Advice...Please!!!!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Back in the Saddle


It was kind of scary to be honest.  After losing so much important data on my external hard drive, I was nervous to scrap a photo, write an essay, or even try to come to terms with what I had lost.

On Friday, I purchased Photoshop Elements for my Mac.  Now, for years now, I have been very happy with the not very user friendly program, GIMP (GNU Image Manipulation Program) and have pretty much taught myself how to use it by reading.  See, books are _very_ important when it comes to information!  I can't even count the number of things I've taught myself from a book...but I digress.  The only problem I had with GIMP, was the number of Adobe Photoshop geared products, that don't work in GIMP.  I took advantage of my educational discount (which is by far, one of the best reasons to work at a university) and bit the bullet.

After trying to install the darn program on Friday afternoon, I was about to give up, when all my perseverance finally paid off (read, stubbornness...)and I was able to load it, after practically scrubbing my internal hard drive clean.  Oh the joy of computer maintenance.  I have to say, I did it myself, without asking my in house expert to do it for me! (Wow, I really am a closet computer geek....love all things digital!)

I found myself trying to do things in PSE that I could quickly and easily do in the GIMP.  What I thought should happen, didn't.  It really made me pause and think about how long it took me to learn the basic nuances of the first program I used.  It took months of playing and reading and plain old experimentation to do what I wanted to do. Why was I expecting the same results of a new, more user friendly program, in one night?  It just doesn't happen that way.  Although the basics of the program were similar, function keys didn't work the same, opening files caused a thirty minute delay by reading the help guide and let's not start on the problems I had saving a file.

All in all, I learned that I need a great deal of patience with myself.  Not that I didn't already know that, because just imagine my issues with writing down a short story or essay, and realizing that it's okay to re-write and edit.....I need a valium just to think about it.

Change is good, and although I won't use PSE for all my image manipulation needs, I can use it for what it was intended for.  In a couple of months, I'll look back and wonder what all my stress and headaches were for, because I'll have mastered what I need to.  Will writing ever be that way???  I won't get my hopes up.
*Thanks to ME for the image! :)*

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Why Write?


Yesterday I was sitting in a room, waiting for the doctor to come in give me a “shot in the arm”, and I was a little nervous.  While needles don’t scare me like they used to, I still don’t ENJOY having my skin pierced with sharp metallic probes; I ENDURE them.  So, while in this state, I did what I always do when I’m nervous, I grabbed a pen and my notebook and started to write.  Now, when I’m in this type of state, there is absolutely no rhyme or reason to the words that are spilt upon the page.  In fact, I’m lucky if I can construct a complete sentence and spell one half of the words correctly.   My penmanship is rudimentary at best, and I usually can’t read what I’ve written by the time I’m done.

I wrote about the reason I was at the doctor’s office, and the decisions made to get to that point.  I wrote about my feelings towards myself, Daniel, and my kids.  I looked at pros and cons, something that I had done before making the decision, but it felt right to write them in my ramblings.  As I continued, there began a cadence and rhythm to my words.  Back and forth, to and fro, they began to weave into my mind the surety of my decision, and I was comforted.

I’m not sure why writing comforts me.  Just as I like to escape into a good book when I’m in a bad mood, writing transports me to a place where I can deal with what is on my plate.  For a moment or two, I am the one in control of what is placed on the page, where the outcome will be, etc.  I must have some serious control issues, huh?  Now if I could only channel these energies into writing something else….
*Thanks to Google for the image*

Saturday, September 12, 2009

People Watching...a Voyeuristic Pleasure

Have you ever seen this person? You know the one I’m talking about. She is standing across the room from you. You’ve never met her, but you just know……Everything about them screams. From the big hair, loud clothes, tacky jewelry, and super long fingernails, it’s clearly apparent. She is LOUD. No, she hasn’t started talking yet, but the feeling doesn’t escape you as her aura or essence washes towards you in waves and you are in for an obnoxious, ear drum bursting ride.

Today this person was running around my building. She was hurting the eyes as well as the ear drums, but, all I could think about was how I could use her as a character somewhere, someday. I mentally drew a picture of her, gave her name and occupation. Oh, I know it wasn’t the most flattering image, and I profusely apologize, because I’m sure that she is a genuinely nice person in real life. That being said, I still couldn’t wait to put her in a situation, where she is gum smacking, standing with one hip thrust out, yelling into a micro-mini cell phone, that is swallowed up in the massive perm curls surrounding her head. I know you are wondering if her hair is that skunk motif with the roots all dark and the ends fried from too many attempts to bleach and perm said mop, but amazingly no. Her hair was a normal color that seemed to belie the rest of her appearance. So, perhaps for my own benefit as well as hers, I will not make her into the stereotypical, big busted, blonde airhead, because she's smart….and LOUD!
I love to people watch. I come up with stories or situations for those that I see, and sometimes the characteristic that I love about them, that makes them bigger than life, or noticeable makes its way into something I’m weaving together in my head. I usually don’t know where I would even begin to use this person, but still the same, I jot notes in my notebook, trying to capture the essence of who they are, to me, and continue mulling over the general plot line I want to put on paper.
There are days where I wish that I could draw and be able to do justice to the look that I’m afraid my words don’t do. Then I have to remind myself that is what I love about reading. I take what the author has written and make it my own. I envision a very different look to Hogwarts from the Harry Potter books than any of the movies portray, and Colin Firth does not do justice to my own Mr. Darcy, although, to be honest, he comes mightily close! (Hence the picture, with my post, a little eye candy for a few of us.) Perhaps that is why so many people prefer the book to the movie….they create the scene in their head with the words the author has given them. I wonder if my words about the LOUD creature in my building gave you the image that is in my head. I doubt it. I’m sure that yours was much more creative and fun to look at than mine.
Someday I hope to have a place for all these crazy characters that have made their home in my head and notebook. I hope to give them the freedom to do all those things that I’ve been too scared to do in my life, or make them into something I’d like to be, but don’t quite have it together to make it successful. Or perhaps they will remain story fodder that may come into play with a story I leave for no one but my children. Or maybe, if I’m really lucky, I’ll write a book….and their story, along with mine will be told.
*Thanks, Google for the image of the delectable Mr. Darcy!*

Saturday, July 18, 2009

What am I? A Hamster?

As I sit here, late on a Saturday night, I am reflecting on the past few weeks and am amazed that we have our wits about us! It has been extremely busy and I feel as though I have neglected relationships with friends and family.

Have you ever just been so busy in life that when you are forced to take a breath, you realize that while you have been running on the hamster wheel of life, everyone else is taking a leisurely stroll, and making more progress than you? That is how I've been feeling lately. Today, I took some time to work on my horrible housekeeping skills (i.e. cleaning the sadly neglected bathroom) and it gave me time to think and reflect. I need to slow down! Is there a reason I need to feel like if I don't write a thousand words a day, I am not making progress towards anything related to writing? Is there a reason why I can't take a minute to jot down a few ideas and call it good?

What a conundrum. All I can say is that I have friends and family going through a lot right now and I haven't been as attentive as I should, because my "dreams" are filling up more space than they ought. One of my "dreams" is to have balance. So, how ironic is it that another of my dreams is causing that one to shift precariously to the side?

So, today my bathroom is clean, most of my laundry is done, and I've even managed to do some scrapbooking on my computer. All the writing I'm doing, is a very quick blog post, and I'm calling it good. Feels a little weird, but at least I wrote something!

Sunday, July 12, 2009

A Tender Mercy

Have you ever had one of those experiences that when over, you sit back and see the Lord's hand in it? Yesterday I had one and have to share it with you my bloggy friends.

Let me give a bit of a background to my weekend. Friday my children spent with Grandpa and Grandma and I spent a bit of a time alone, and then with my dear husband at lunch. I wrote a bit on my laptop at Dan's office while I waited for him to finish up before we headed to Provo to camp out for the evening. I got a little frustrated because I had several ideas spinning through my head, but I wasn't able to narrow anything down. I closed the laptop and spent the rest of the evening with my characters trying out several activities in my head.

We love to attend the Scottish games anywhere we can. These games were in Payson, just south of Provo, so we headed down early in the morning. The first on our agenda was to meet up with the Highland dance teacher that will be working with Abbie and watch some of her students compete. We were all enthralled with the dancing and really enjoyed all the events there. After walking through the booths, we passed a book booth that had an author doing a book signing. Her name is Amanda Scott, a romance novelist, that has more than 50 books to her name. We talked for about 20 minutes about her craft and the writing that I am inspired to do. She gave me wonderful advice and about three books to look into to help me with my own writing.

As I finished talking with her and she signed a book for me encouraging me to write. Amanda Scott writes mostly Historical Romance, a genre, within the Romance genre, but she really believes in reading everything because one must pull from the classics and mythology. I am a romantic at heart, and any story that I write will have to have that element to it.

So here is the tender mercy....I was at a point where I didn't know where I wanted my characters to go, and what I wanted to do at this point. Amanda Scott said something that really hit me, "There is not such thing as writer's block, only failure to do homework." Wow! I need to do some research! She told me that I should go back to the mythology and fables and use them to help me. I just couldn't believe that the Lord, who knows the deepest desires of my heart, knew what I needed to move to the next level, to keep up my writing. How interesting that I gleaned more from this twenty minute encounter than I have in two weeks of writing class. I was seriously near tears when I was done, because I had learned so much and felt like the Lord was watching and blessing me with what I needed. What a fortuitous turn of events. I'll let you know how the books are....I'm looking forward to reading them after talking to the author!
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